Monarch of the Glen
Episode Transcripts

Hector - [humming and shaving, hears cow bellow] Now what or who would you say that is, Monty? [Looks through telescope at buck] Good Lord. Big Eric. [runs downstairs] Lexie! Golly! Where are you?

Lexie - What's new, pussycat?

Hector - Lexie, my jacket! Golly! Come on, come on.

Lexie - Don't tell me, You've been invited on "The Clothes Show"?

Hector - Golly!

Golly - What's all the commotion?

Molly - [pruning bushes outside, as Hector runs past] Morning, darling.

Hector - [reaches lake shore] Stand aside, boy.

Duncan - [climbing off jet ski] What?

Hector - Give me that. [takes rifle case from Duncan]

Duncan - Sir, you should be careful.

Hector - Stand aside.

Golly - Hector! What is it?

Hector - Big Eric, Golly, Big Eric! [takes off on jet ski]

Molly - What's my foolish husband up to now?

Duncan - I tried to tell him, honest.

Golly - Tell him what?

Duncan - That the throttle keeps jamming. [all four watch as out on the lake, the jet ski starts to swerve erratically]

Hector - [dumps jet ski] Arghhh!

[telephone ringing on desk]

Waiter - [answers phone] Hello, Flying Fish Restaurant.

Archie - [walking through empty restaurant] Come on, Terry, get a move on. Curtain up in three hours.

Justine - [finishing conversation on phone at bar] Right, I've rung round. Eleven have confirmed, all bringing partners.

Waiter - Archie, telephone.

Archie - Oh great, a swarm of critics all coming here. No, that's not right-- What is it? A shoal? A flock? Terry, that's the collective noun for food writers? [walks through kitchen area]

Justine - [following Archie] Why are you so calm? I'm terrified already.

Archie - What could they do but destroy the enterprise we've slaved for years to get going?

Justine - Shut up.

Archie - Justine, it will be wonderful. You'll be serene and beautiful. They'll love our little place, the food. [reaches desk and picks up phone] Hello. [pause] Mother.

Molly - Your father. Nasty accident, dear, in the loch.

Archie - In the loch? [pause] No, of course, I'll come. [pause] Yeah, I'll get the sleeper tonight. [pause] Okay. Bye. [hangs up the phone] My father's had some sort of accident. I'm sorry, tonight of all nights.

Justine - You have to go. I'll book you a cab to Euston. I'll manage. Archie, this is just a tiny restaurant. Your family are ten times more important.

Duncan - [pulls up in land rover] You be himself?

Archie - Yeah, I suppose I am. [collects his bags] How is he today?

Duncan - Your dad? Ach, he's in a terrible state.

Hector - What did you do that for, you stupid woman?

Molly - Oh do stop fussing, Hector.

Hector - What will he do when he gets here, eh? Damn boy's always been as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Molly - Hector, you know very well -- it's time.

Hector - I don't want him here. [Lexie enters bearing tray] And what do you want?

Lexie - Going fishing again, are we, Hector?

Hector - I couldn't find my slippers, damn it.

Lexie - [sets tray on bed] Enjoy.

Hector - Hags and harpies. I'm surrounded by hags and harp-- Where are my marmite soldiers?

Lexie - I had them court-martialed and shot.

Hector - I always have marmite soldiers¹ with my boiled egg.

Lexie - Bairns will be bairns.

Hector - I am Hector Naismith MacDonald, fourteenth chief of an ancient line, Laird of Glenbogle, Ochintummel and Blawearie, or to you, girl, just plain sir.

Lexie - Ach, away and play with your lineage.

[Lexie watches through front window as Archie gets out of the rover. Duncan comes in next to her.]

Lexie - Mm-mm. Tasty. Eh, Duncan? Duncan. Duncan't. [She runs upstairs. Duncan follows carrying Archie's bags.]

Archie - [enters empty foyer] Hello? Hello?

Molly - [descends stairs] Oh, darling.

Archie - Mother. [They kiss.] How is he?

Molly - How was your journey?

Archie - How bad is it?

Molly - We're so glad you're back. We need you, you see.

Archie - What did the doctor say?

Hector - [from the landing] So, the vultures are circling.

Archie - Father.

Hector - Excited by the prospect of my imminent demise? [descends stairs] Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Archie - You were supposed to be really ill.

Hector - I was temporarily immersed in water. A trifle peaty, but I don't expect to start dissolving.

Archie - Just what is going on here?

Hector - Tell me, how's that bar of yours doing?

Molly - Hector, behave. [to Archie] Pay no attention, dear.

Archie - It's not a bar. It's a restaurant. It opened last night.

Hector - Never thought a son of mine would turn out a publican. I blame that awful Thatcher woman.

Archie - I'm going back right now.

Molly - Darling, I-I --

Archie - [turns to leave and meets a man just coming in] And who are you?

Hector - Ah, Robbie, my boy.

Fraser - Robert Fraser. Great to meet you. I, uh, manage the estate. Under your father's guiding hand, of course.

Hector - [chuckles] And a jolly good job you make of it. Come, we've work to do. [They leave.]

Archie - Mother!?

Archie - We worked for months -- for years to get the premises, get the money, the staff. Finally it all comes together, we plan this big opening night -- and where am I?

Molly - He was so very fragile.

Archie - I'm on a sleeper to Scotland, hurrying to my dying father's bedside.

Molly - I thought you might be able to help. That's all.

Archie - Help with what? [Duncan appears from room at end of hall.] Duncan, where are my bags?

Duncan - They're in the, um... [motions toward the room, then slips past]

Molly - I thought you should like your old room.

Archie - I have to get back. I'm sorry.

Molly - Whatever you say. You're a good boy. [leaves Duncan standing outside his room]

Maureen - Katrina, you'll never guess. He's returned.

Katrina - Who, Maureen? The Jedi? Jesus Christ? Elvis Presley?

Maureen - The son and heir, Archie MacDonald. After all these years.

Katrina - Maureen, I will not have my life defined by the tedious goings-on at what you're pleased to call "the big house".

Maureen - Very good-looking from what I hear.

[Archie tries to place a phone call, but can't get a dial tone. He pulls out his cell and wanders off, looking for better reception. Molly watches, then sneaks in, grabs the phone, plugs it into a jack, and starts dialing.]

Archie - [dials cell phone, after finally finding good reception] Justine?

Molly - [dialing phone downstairs, hears Duncan coming] Ah, Duncan -- Archie will be wanting to go back to the station.

Duncan - I'll be ready for him.

Molly - Jolly good. [talks into phone] Geordie, it's Molly.

Archie - [talking on cell phone] Hi, it's me. Hello. Yeah. No, he's fine.

Molly - [into phone] Fontwell Park, 4:30, horse called... [puts on reading glasses and looks at newspaper] "Tickle My Fancy." What price? [pause] Put fifty on for me. Good man.

Archie - [into cell phone] Well, it's not quite as simple as that. Hello? [looks at phone] Oh, God. Hello? Hello? [moves out onto balcony] Hello, Justine? Justine, hello? Hello? Justine... Justine!

Golly - [in bird hide, watching ospreys through binoculars] Mom's on the nest. Dad's off fishing. Trying, anyway. [hands binoculars to Katrina]

Katrina - He's a useless specimen.

Golly - It's the same throughout nature -- female does the work making the home, looking after the bairns, putting food on the table --

Katrina - Very funny.

Golly - Whereas the male now, he just stumbles along, unsure of himself, what he's supposed to be doing... making a mess wherever he goes. Just like that fellow there.

Katrina - Where? [sees Archie in distance, runs after him and tackles him] Get up!

Archie - Are you mad?

Katrina - Too right, I'm mad. God, I hate you people.

Golly - Katrina.

Katrina - Come away out of there!

Golly - Katrina!

Archie - Golly? Is that you?

Golly - Laddie.

Archie - It's great to see you, really.

Golly - Thou were away too long, youngster.

Katrina - Golly, this is him, isn't it?

Golly - I don't know? [to Archie] Are you him?

Archie - I was, until the wild woman of the woods started to rearrange my arms and legs.

Katrina - Now listen, you...

Golly - Archie, meet Katrina, a loyal tenant of the Glenbogle Estate.

Katrina - I thought you were after the ospreys.

Archie - The what?

Katrina - Big thing with feathers, nests in that tree there. Nearly extinct thanks to chinless wonders who thought they looked better on the mantelpiece.

Archie - Okay, Mrs. Attenborough², I've seen the documentary.

Golly - The nest further up the glen was robbed last week.

Katrina - That's why we built the hide. Organized a rota to watch the nest.

Golly - What she means is the kids built the hide. She organized the rota.

Katrina - Well, if the landowner won't take his responsibilities seriously, the community will. It's our land really, anyway.

Archie - I'm sorry, run that one past me again, will you?

Archie - You have a family, then?

Katrina - No, I don't.

Archie - It's just that Golly mentioned you had kids.

Katrina - Oh. I'm the head teacher of the village school.

Archie - Oh, that old place.

Katrina - It's very well equipped. And the kids are as bright as buttons.

Archie - I'm sure. I didn't mean --

Katrina - Good thing, too, 'cause they're the future of this place, not-- Anyway, are you staying long?

Archie - No, I have to get back tonight. Well, well, would you look at that. [walks toward bright red telephone booth by the road]

Katrina - We've all manner of modern contraptions up here, you know. Telephones, spinning jennies, the wheel.

[Duncan rummages under hood of rover, closes hood and walks off, tossing away something small.]

[Muted hip-hop music is playing in another room.]

Archie - Mother, Father -- I have to go -- the sleeper.

Molly - Oh. Very well, darling. Lovely to see you. Take care.

Hector - Off you toddle. I did enjoy our little chat. [raises voice] Turn that wretched hurdy-gurdy off.

[Duncan, listening to hip-hop music, is building a fishing fly.]

Golly - You won't catch much with that object, laddie, except maybe a cold. Archie's waiting.

Lexie - [taking pan out of oven] Does this smell all right to you?

Duncan - Sorry. [He jumps in rover. Engine won't start.] No go. I'll have to strip the carburetor.

Archie - Really?

Hector - [as Archie enters and sits] Well, what are we having? Fatted calf? I hope not.

Fraser - [enters room] Oh, sorry I'm late. [sees Archie] Great. You're staying. Love to show you around. I've had another quote on the timber, Hector. Looks quite promising.

Hector - Good boy.

Fraser - See, Archie, prices have fallen through the floor. Cheap imports from Scandinavia. It's hardly worth growing the things. But I had this idea --

Hector - Don't waste your breath, Robbie. He won't be interested. [looks toward kitchen] A man could starve in his own dining room here. Lexie!

[Golly clears his throat.]

Lexie - I'd suck a "Fisherman's Friend" if I had a throat like that.

Golly - Trousers.

Lexie - Aye, one must maintain standards, mustn't one? [grabs skirt and switches out of her jeans]

Hector - [hears bagpipes playing] Ah. [Golly arrives playing bagpipes, followed by Lexi with platter of food. Hector prepares to carve the meat and the lights go out.] Hell's flames. Not again.

Duncan - Oh, heck. Fuse again.

Lexie - [holding flashlight] It's kind of exciting, eh? Down here in the dark, crushed up like a pair of amorous sardines.

Duncan - Pass us the screwdriver.

Lexie - You always were one for your tools? Eh, big boy? [Duncan bends down to grab screwdriver.] Careful, Dunc, you're squeezing my funbags. [laughs]

Hector - How does she do it? I've tasted better shoe leather.

Molly - She does her best, dear.

Hector - I sometimes think she does it deliberately. And what says the expert? Would you serve this muck? Tell me, this café of yours, when you have customers, do they actually pay you money?

Molly - Hector, must you be so rude?

Hector - Bad behavior is one of the few privileges of old age.

Lexie - Anyone for another slice of bambi?

Hector - [to Archie] Well, who'd have thought it? You of all people.

Archie - Build something of my own, you mean? Yes, that must be amazing to someone like you.

Lexie - Maybe not.

Hector - Glenbogle has been my career, dear boy. If you want to see my life, as Christopher Wren said -- "Look about you."

Archie - At what? This crumbling ruin where the phone doesn't work and the lights don't come on? [electricity comes back on]

Hector - And the Lord said "Let there be light." [Fraser enters and sits.] Thank you, Robbie.

Molly - Sorry you missed your train, dear. Very irritating.

Archie - Yes. But I'll make sure I get it tomorrow night.

Hector - [singing in distance] Though the way be long / Let your heart by strong...
Though your heart by weary / We'll travel on
Till you come to your loving abode
[Archie, awakened by the singing, moves to the window.]
Where all the love / You've been dreaming of
Will be there at the end of the road. [finishes song] Ah, that's it.

[Archie walks down hallway, glances out window and sees Fraser talking with two men by a red pickup. Fraser shakes men's hands and they drive off.]

Fraser - Ah, I'll call you back. Yes. [hangs up phone] Archie. Morning.

Archie - We've been reconnected, then? I thought we'd been cut off.

Fraser - Oh, things aren't quite that bad.

Archie - The estate's in trouble?

Fraser - Look, um... [reaches into desk drawer] Why don't you have a wee peek at this on your laptop? [hands Archie a disk] It sets out all you need to know in black and white... and steadily encroaching red.

Archie - [looking at downward trending graphs on laptop] Blimey.

Archie - Have you seen the figures?

Hector - Fraser's always banging on about them. No time for them myself.

Archie - Father, it's serious. The bank are --

Hector - My dear boy, the MacDonalds have been in hock to those shysters since the Battle of Culloden.

Archie - You owe them a fortune. They could sling you out whenever they wanted.

Hector - My father once gave me the most wonderful piece of advice.

Molly - [enters room] You've spoken to Fraser?

Hector - "Life," he said, "sometimes bowls one a bumper--"

Archie - Father, for once, will you please just listen to me?

Hector - "But the important thing, is always to play a straight bat."

Archie - This is about the future -- yours and mother's. You must do something.

Hector - I'm very grateful for your concern, if not your advice, but as we've done without either for the last ten years --

Molly - Hector. Stop this nonsense. You must tell him.

Archie - Tell me what?

Molly - [when Hector remains silent] Very well. The estate no longer belongs to your father.

Hector - Molly.

Molly - It was made over to you some time ago, through a trust.

Archie - I own the house? The estate?

Hector - Legal technicality. Tax dodge. The lawyers made me do it.

Molly - [to Archie] If we hadn't, you'd have been liable to crippling death duties... well, er, later on.

Archie - I'm Laird of Glenbogle?

Molly - You're the only son.

Hector - Not how it should have been.

Molly - Come on, I think we're all in need of a sherry.

Hector - I'm not finished yet. Not by a long chalk. I'm still head of the family, and don't you forget it.

Fraser - The place has been hemorrhaging cash for years. Well, you know what these highland estates are like. They need a sugar daddy. Always have, always will.

Archie - You were saying the timber brings in nothing.

Fraser - Oh, and your father won't let me market the sporting side properly, or raise rents, or sack any of the estate workers. I mean, Golly, for instance. He's well past his sell-by date.

Archie - Golly's family.

Fraser - Of course. He's a marvelous chap. Anyway... it's all yours now.

Archie - Well, I won't have it. But I might be able to persuade my father to do the sensible thing.

Fraser - Which is what?

Archie - Give you your head?

Fraser - I could cut the losses, but it still wouldn't pay its way.

Archie - So...?

Fraser - Well, your parents are... cash-poor but asset rich. It's obvious. Hanging on, it's... putting off the inevitable.

Archie - Sell Glenbogle.

Fraser - There's a couple of chaps coming to stalk tomorrow who, uh... might be interested.

Hector - Ah, how is the new proprietor? Got everything sorted out, have you? Lexie, you're looking very pert today.

Lexie - Down, Hector.

Hector - Isn't pert the most splendid word?

Archie - Father --

Hector - Told me a good one the other day, didn't you, girl? Man goes to see quack, says, "Doctor, I've a cricket ball stuck up my what's-it."

Archie - There's something we need to talk about.

Hector - Doctor says, "How's that?" Man says, "Don't you start." Ha, ha! "Don't you start." [laughs, then coughs]

Archie - I'm only going to say this once. I didn't come back here because I wanted to-- My life is somewhere else. And I didn't ask you to give me the estate; it's the last thing I wanted. I told you that years ago.

Hector - I didn't do it for you. For the family, fourteen generations of it --

Lexie - Fairy cake, anyone?

Archie - The estate is bankrupt.

Hector - Want to run away again, do you?

Archie - There's only one thing to be done. It must be sold.

Hector - [stands] Never!

Archie - You have to be protected from yourself. I shall sell it for you.

Hector - I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve you as a son. [leaves room]

Lexie - That's easy. You impregnated his mother.

Archie - Father! [follows him out]

Hector - I feel a bit shivery. I'm going to bed.

Archie - Don't be ridiculous.

Hector - I don't feel at all well. [goes upstairs]

Molly - [heard faintly from behind a door] Come on, Geordie. I am not going to back one of his horses. The man's hopeless. He couldn't train white mice to eat cheese. [looks up, startled, at Archie's approach] I'm sorry, darling. It was all in a good cause.

Archie - This place is no good for me. I'm going home now.

Archie - Duncan! Duncan! [Duncan runs up.] The station, and no funny business this time. [They climb into the land rover and drive off.]

Duncan - [driving the rover] Get permission from the escape committee? I love that film. Steve McQueen on his big German bike³ -- Brrrmm, brrr. [imitates motorcycle noises] Station. You'll be after the sleeper. It's Saturday, mind.

Archie - I know, Duncan. I did a time management course once. And one of the first things they taught me was the days of the week.

Duncan - Sleeper doesn't run on a Saturday.

[Rover comes to a screeching halt and Archie gets out.]

Archie - I'll walk back. I need air. [walks down dirt road alone, then almost gets run over by a red pickup] Hey!

Golly - [from the bushes] Shush, laddie -- you'll disturb the wildlife. Come on.

Archie - Golly?

[They climb a hill and watch the pickup's occupants take out a ladder and disappear into the woods. Archie and Golly follow.]

Golly - [sniffing] I smell something. Something sweet.

Katrina - [drops out of nearby tree] Did you bring your shotgun?

Golly - Nice perfume, lass.

Katrina - I'd like to shoot the pigs. I saw lights coming from the hide. There.

[They sneak up to a tree with the ladder leaning against it. Golly moves the ladder away.]

Man 1 - Hey, who's that?

Man 2 - What's going on?

Golly - Save your breath to cool your broth. Or for your statements. Police'll be here in about an hour.

Archie - Will they not frighten the ospreys?

Katrina - They would do if they had the right tree.

Man in tree - Thanks for nothing, clothead.

Archie - I saw the van parked at the house this morning. Fraser was talking to the driver.

Golly - You can bet your bottom dollar it won't be the only way he's robbing your da.

Archie - Well, it'll never stand up in court.

Katrina - Who said anything about a court? The Laird has a quiet word with the factor and then he's out.

Archie - My father... He's got other worries. He's not as fit as he used to be.

Golly - Not as young as he used to be. [Archie sighs.] What is it?

Archie - I just found out that -- I own the estate.

Golly - Get away. Well, um, I mean no disrespect to the old devil but, um, I'm delighted. Yeah. You'll soon get things squared round.

Archie - I can't stay, Golly. In fact... none of us'll be staying.

Golly - What's that supposed to mean?

Archie - I think we have to sell Glenbogle.

Katrina - Sell?!

Golly - Sell? Sell your home? Your birthright!

Archie - No, it was never that. Not mine, anyway.

Golly - There have been MacDonalds here for four hundred years. Your name'll be blackened forever. You can't do this.

Katrina - Do you want to know what will happen? I'll tell you. A new owner'll come in, jobs'll go, people's homes with them. The place'll be finished.

Archie - It doesn't have to be like that, Katrina. I'm sorry, Golly.

Golly - And you're proposing to just... just walk away from it?

Archie - There's two potential buyers stalking tomorrow. I hope you'll give them a good day's sport.

Molly - [digging up root vegetables] Oh, the rabbits have been at everything. Damn their eyes.

Archie - Is Father up yet?

Molly - No, he said he's not getting out of bed until you come to your senses.

Archie - This happens every time I come home. I disappoint him and he makes me feel bad. It's not easy.

Molly - What about the estate? Oh, poor you. Here, this might help.

Archie - What? [unfolds a scrap of paper to reveal a check] Mother, I thought all your family money went years ago.

Molly - It did. It's mine. My winnings on the gee-gees. I did it all myself, with a little help from Geordie, of course.

Archie - Geordie?

Molly - My turf accountant. Do you know, it's the first money I've earned in my whole life. Wonderful feeling, isn't it?

Archie - Oh, yes, but -- this is 55,000. The estate owes the bank 375.

Molly - Oh, what a pity. I thought --

Archie - Oh, Mother! You're the best of all of us, you know that? [They hug.]

Molly - What are you going to do, hmm? I'd be perfectly happy with a little flat in Cadogan Square, but your father-- It's been his whole life, every fiber of the old fool. Who'd catch Big Eric if he wasn't here? You know that old jacket he wears? He only puts that on when he's feeling fragile. Used to belong to Jamie. I can't see him leaving here, Archie. Well, only in a wooden box. I'm sure you'll do what's best.

[Archie visiting grave on estate grounds. Tombstone reads: JAMES MACDONALD / Our Beloved Boy / Died June 19th 1985]

Fraser - [from driveway] Archie, hello. Too busy to come on the stalk? Probably not your thing anyway, eh? [climbs in jeep and drives off]

Golly - [watches man firing at wooden deer target with rifle and missing repeatedly] I'm sorry. I'm sure it's the rifle. That's the problem, sir. [takes rifle] Duncan, take a look at Mr. Potts's piece. [They look up as Archie drives up.]

Archie - Good morning, gentlemen. Welcome to Glenbogle. Archie MacDonald. I hope you won't mind if I join you? I know you're in very good hands with old Robbie here, but I think the Laird himself ought to escort such very important guests. You don't mind, do you, Robbie?

Fraser - No. Of course not, Archie.

Golly - Right then, gentlemen, let's go stalking.

[They begin walking.]

Archie - So you and Mr. Andersson are chums, are you?

Mr. Potts - Met in a balloon over the Serengeti. You know, one of these luxury safaris. He's a quiet chap, but he's canny with it.

Archie - You're in business together then?

Mr. Potts - Sort of. Made his cash in flat-pack furniture. I made my pile in pies.

Archie - What?

Mr. Potts - Anything on four legs, we'd kill it, mince it, put puff pastry round it. Well, we used to. Co-op just bought us up.

Archie - Oh.

Mr. Potts - So we're launching this joint venture, you know. He's into this shooting lark, so we thought we'd come up here and see if we could get something going.

Archie - How exciting.

Golly - Right, gentlemen. We're about to come up to the beasts, so keep low and don't even fart unless I give you permission. Okay?

[They climb a hill and hunker down.]

Archie - I do hope old Robbie's given you every assistance?

Mr. Potts - Oh, Robbie couldn't have done more, he really couldn't.

Archie - Good. Well, when we get back, we'll have to, er, talk figures. See how your bid matches up to the one we've already received.

Mr. Potts - Other bid? Robbie never mentioned that. He said we'd got a clear run.

Golly - Quiet! Right, Mr. Potts. You first.

[Mr. Potts moves over by Golly, who hands him the rifle.]

Fraser - What the hell do you think you're doing?

Archie - Working out your little game. I've got it, too. How much of a finder's fee were you promised, eh? You're sacked.

Fraser - We'll see about that. Your father will never allow it. He trusts me -- not you.

Mr. Potts - By heck, what's that?

Golly - That, Mr. Potts, is Big Eric. Finest stag I've ever seen. Been saving him these past ten years for young Mr. Archie there, but what the devil -- you can have him.

Mr. Potts - You want me to kill him?

Golly - Just wait till he turns. And remember to line up, and keep your breathing steady. That's it, my friend.

[A group of people appears in the valley, banging on cans and pot lids.]

Mr. Potts - What's going on?

Katrina - [using bullhorn] You're not welcome here. Get off our land! Glenbogle's for the people who live in it, not absentee feudal landlords to play with pop-guns. We demand to be heard. We demand a voice!

Mr. Potts - [to himself] That's the last thing you need, pet.

Golly - Well, gentlemen, that would appear to be that, for today.

Fraser - Hector. Um... I'm afraid I have to raise a rather... painful issue. [Archie enters.]

Hector - Oh, son and heir.

Archie - Father, I've just sacked Fraser here.

Hector - [to Archie] I'm not talking to you.

Archie - He's crooked. He's been robbing you blind since the day he got here.

Fraser - I'm sorry about all this, Hector.

Hector - You're sorry, Robbie? [to Archie] You can't make that kind of accusation.

Archie - I can if it's true.

Fraser - Archie seems to have rather a... chip on his shoulder -- about me.

Hector - I see. Well, Archie, let me say, that Robbie here is a friend as well as an employee. I trust him completely. Once upon a time, you might have fulfilled that function, but you chose to turn your back on your responsibilities. I had to look for help elsewhere.

Fraser - Thank you, Hector.

Archie - He's behind the theft of those osprey eggs.

Hector - Oh, don't be silly. He's always waxing lyrical about the wretched things. Goodness knows why. They catch more salmon than Golly and me put together.

Archie - He's also planning to sell the place behind your back.

Hector - What?!

Archie - Sweet-talking two millionaires. Encouraging a bid, just one bid, mind, no competition. And at a knock-down price, I should think.

Hector - No.

Archie - And getting a sweetener, too. How much is it? Two-fifty, half a million?

Fraser - [chuckles] He's got no proof, Hector. He's barmy. [Hector stares at him.] Well, he hates you.

Archie - Who are you gonna believe, Father?

Hector - [to Fraser] Pack your bags and get out.

Fraser - Hector --

Hector - He's my son. I don't think my son would tell me lies.

Fraser - This place is finished. And you with it. [leaves]

Archie - I'm sorry, I know you were fond of him.

Hector - Yes. Still -- one must look on the bright side.

Archie - And which bright side would that be?

Hector - Well, it just puts a rather different gloss on things, doesn't it?

Archie - How do you mean?

Hector - Well, if an honest man had been in charge, a good man, like you for instance, we'd never have got into this mess in the first place, would we?

Archie - Father, you -- you've -- oh, God! Never mind.

Hector - You'll be staying then, I take it?

Archie - No! No! [leaves]

Archie - [walking, carrying his bags, as Katrina jogs out of side path] Not you again.

Katrina - So, have you sacked him yet, then?

Archie - I helped you with your rotten birds.

Katrina - You and your family have a hell of a lot of ground to make up before you get my gratitude, pal.

Archie - You know, you are a very irritating person. You know that?

Katrina - You haven't changed. You always used to sulk.

Archie - What are you talking about?

Katrina - Primary school, before they sent you away. The little girl you used to sit beside in the big double desk.

Archie - Eh? Katrina? Gingernut!

Katrina - Never, ever call me that again, do you hear? I nearly didn't recognize you. You used to have as broad an accent as the rest of us, if I remember right.

Archie - It's the main reason they packed me off to boarding school. Can't have the son of a laird sounding Scottish, can we?

Katrina - Don't get me started. Can I tell you what I really think? I think that the idea of anybody owning all this is obscene. How can you buy a view, eh? But if anybody's going to own it, it should be the community actually making a living here.

Archie - Oh, get real, Katrina.

Katrina - But, in the meantime, rather than some mega-rich idiot from south of the border, better the devil you know. In this case, the dashing young laird. That right?

Archie - I don't want it. I don't want to live in a freezing castle with my barmy father, where the lights go off all the time and the phone never works. I do not want to be a laird.

Katrina - Do you really hate it that much?

Archie - I was eight when I left. I missed it so much, it was like having an arm cut off. What I'd do when I was low, I'd phone that box [nods to telephone booth up the road], stand in a dark corridor somewhere in Berkshire and imagine the phone ringing in all this silence. All this around it, the water, the hills. I can still remember the number: Glenbogle 2-4-9. I had to put a stop to that, especially after Jamie died. I have to get away, Katrina.

Katrina - Poor little Archie. Don't you think other folk have got problems, too? There's people here, on your land, sweating their guts out for nothing. On the breadline, some of them. And here you are, master of all he surveys, whingeing on about how terrible life is. What gives you the right to expect everything to be the way you want it?

Archie - Why don't you just go away? [brushes past her]

Katrina - Why don't you? Back to your swanky restaurant and your beautiful girlfriend and your -- perfect life.

[Archie continues walking, past telephone booth. Sign on telephone booth reads: SCHEDULED FOR REMOVAL. Flatbed truck passes Archie and stops by the booth.]

Phoneman - [gets out of truck] There you are.

Archie - [jogging back toward the booth] Hey! What are you doing? What do you think you're doing?

Phoneman - None of your business, son.

Archie - You can't take this.

Phoneman - It's scheduled for removal. I've got the docket. Who are you, anyway?

Archie - Me? I'm the -- I'm a member of the community here. And that's our phone box, so you can take your lorry, your crane and your bad attitude and get lost. Okay?

Man - [from inside truck] Leave it, Jim. That's the new laird you're talking to.

[Truck pulls away. Archie grabs some change from his pocket and places a call in the booth.]

Archie - Justine? Hello, sweetheart, it's me. How did the do go? [pause] Great. [pause] Yeah. Listen, Justine -- I've got a bit of a problem here.