DM - [working on kitchen sink] Ow. [senses 'buzz']

<Amanda - [exits lift] Well, that's it. CUT Would you believe I maxed out all my credit cards?>

DM - Everything except your library card, huh?

Amanda - Uh, speaking of books... [pulls book out of bag] I have something I want to read to you. [reading] "As he strode into the room, she felt her knees weaken. The dark eyes that roved over her were the color of midnight. His muscles as hard as the Highland hills that formed them."

DM - Sounds like Shakespeare.

Amanda - Not finished. "A mane of flowing hair to rival Lancelot's charger."

DM - Must be Fabio.

Amanda - "This was the man her father had hired to protect her. This barbarian, this smoky-eyed Scot... This Duncan MacLeod."

DM - [turns on faucet just as she finishes] What? [gets sprayed by water] What?

Terence - [voice-over] "Course manners, a hairy mole. Coventry was swine from head to toe."

[He is reading 'Blade of the MacLeods'.]

Terence - That conniving, backstabbing-- [raises his voice] Gerald! Gerald!

Gerald - [enters room] Sir?

Terence - [to himself] I will kill her. I will absolutely kill her. [to Gerald] Buchanan Books. Find out who's the editor of this miserable piece of dreck, and then find me the author.

Gerald - Immediately, sir. [leaves room]

Terence - I warned you, you would never get away with a stunt like this. Well, now you're going to pay.
 

DM - I don't believe it.

Amanda - Neither do I. I mean, she got the eyes sort of right, but [mocks a fake Scottish accent] "Muscles as hard as the Highland hills..."?

DM - I meant someone actually writing this stuff.

Amanda - Oh, I thought maybe you wrote it yourself... Except I met the writer.

DM - Who is this Carolyn Marsh?

Amanda - I thought maybe you knew.

DM - You don't think I'd tell some mortal about my life.

Amanda - You have before.

DM - Yeah, but not some romance novelist.

Amanda - Well, someone did, because you are a best-seller, baby.

DM - That's not funny-- Listen to this! [reading] "Roxanne's breath came in labored gasps as he crushed his lips to hers, her hands reached for his kilt, where they found..." [stops reading]

Amanda - Wait a minute! [grabs book from him] I didn't read that.

DM - [uncomfortably] Well, you know.

Amanda - [reads passage, shrugs] Oh. So it's a little purple. [off DM's look] The prose, I mean.

DM - [grabs book back] Very funny. This isn't even close to the way it happened.
 

<DM - [voice-over] Terence wasn't a lout. I was coming from Highgate. I'd been riding so long, I was starting to smell like my horse.> CUT

[Super: England, 1786]

Roxanne - [description from script: 'An over-painted, busty hussy ... The same woman in the Teaser -- but she has a coarse accent, heavily-rouged cheeks, cheap but sexy.'] Help! Help me! He's after me! [runs up to DM] Oh, sir! Sir, oh, help me, please. I beg you!

DM - What seems to be the problem?

Roxanne - Oh, that pig! [Terence gallops toward them. DM senses 'buzz'.] He's trying to take advantage of me maidenly honor!

DM - It's a little late for that, is it not?

Terence - [dismounts, strides toward them] So! Thought you could take advantage of a gentleman?

Roxanne - [to DM] Oh, save me, kind sir, from a fate worse than death!

Terence - Please! [to DM, politely] I beg your pardon, sir, but this is none of your affair.

DM - I'm afraid it is. It seems you're distressing this... lady.

Terence - Stand clear, sir. This hussy and I have a score to settle.

DM - I beg to differ, sir. She's under my protection now.

Terence - [makes sound of disgust] Do you know what you are protecting?

DM - A lady in need.

Terence - That's no lady, sir.

Roxanne - I beg your pardon!

DM - Your opinion of her is of no matter to me.

Terence - I'm amazed how easily you can discard what you have not heard.

DM - Whatever she is, she needs my help.

Terence - Oh, spare me. [draws his sword]

DM - [groans] I'm Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod.

Terence - [rolling up his sleeves] Oh.

DM - I don't wish to fight you, but I will protect what's left of the lady's honor. [takes sword from his saddle pack. Roxanne leads his horse away.]

Terence - Terence Coventry. And it's clear she has none left to protect. [They salute one another, begin fighting.] You've been duped, sir. She's nothing but a common thief, a barmaid who stole my purse.

DM - Harsh words, sir. Where's your proof?

Terence - [points with his sword] There.

DM - [turns, sees Roxanne mounting his horse] Hey! My horse! ¹ [Roxanne rides away.] Come back with my horse!

(In the DVD version, the camera cuts back to Roxanne before DM can say "horse".)

Terence - See? You see how chivalry is rewarded? There is no justice! [sheathes his sword, leads his horse over to DM] I'd buy you an ale to drown your sorrows, but she stole every penny I had.

DM - At least you have a horse. If you would not mind, sir, to give me a ride to the next town, I'll buy the ale.

Terence - Oh.

DM - We can discuss the death of chivalry.

Terence - Done. Gentlemen of our caliber must stick together. [gives DM an arm up onto the horse behind him] Especially when we're taken advantage of by-- by--

DM - A hussy of that sort?

Terence - Actually, I had a better word in mind. CUT <Biabest, gee-up! [They ride off.] I say, MacLeod, you could use a bath.

DM - That's not me. That's the horse.>

Carolyn - [enters, walks over to Jock #1 at speed bag] Oh my. [crosses dojo to Jock #2 by free weights] Duncan MacLeod?

Jock - No.

[Carolyn continues on through dojo.]

[meanwhile, in dojo office]

DM - [into phone] I'd like to speak to the editor of the Carolyn Marsh books, please. It's regarding the "Blade of the MacLeods."

[Out in the dojo, Carolyn circles Jock #3 at weight bench.]

Carolyn - You wouldn't happen to be Scottish, would you?

DM - [in office, into phone] No, I don't want to be put through to her fan club. Thank you, very much. [hangs up]

Amanda - You know, I can't believe you're taking this so seriously.

DM - Why not? This is my name, my life! What am I supposed to do? Ignore it?

[Carolyn is still by Jock #3.] ²

Amanda - [sees her through office window] Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

DM - What's she doing?

Amanda - By the looks of it, I'd say she's shopping for tenderloin.

[They leave the office, walk over to Carolyn.]

DM - Excuse me. Can I help you?

Carolyn - Please, just tell me that you're Duncan MacLeod.

DM - Okay. I'm Duncan MacLeod.

Carolyn - CUT But you're perfect. Just perfect.

DM - Thank you.

Carolyn - [sniffs the air] Something smells kind of funny in here.

Amanda - It's probably lust. Uh, Duncan, this is Carolyn Marsh, the lady with the book.

DM - You don't say.

Carolyn - [to Amanda] Do I know you?

Amanda - The book signing this morning.

Carolyn - Oh! You know, I have so many fans. Just another face in the crowd. You know how it is. [cozies up to DM] Duncan-- I may call you Duncan, right?

DM - Absolutely.

Carolyn - We need to talk.

DM - I agree.

Carolyn - And I think it would be so much easier to discuss things over a drink. [pulls DM by the arm toward the exit]

Amanda - [grabs DM's other arm, pulls in the opposite direction] Well, why don't we just ALL sit and talk and have a drink?

Carolyn - Oh, I don't think that's necessary. [tries to pull DM forward again]

Amanda - [hangs on, pulls back] Oh, I do.

Carolyn - This is business. [pulls again]

Amanda - [quickly moves even with Carolyn] Well, in that case, I insist.

DM - [shakes their hands off] Ladies! Ladies! I can walk.

DM - [enters bar with the two women] Your book's quite imaginative.

Carolyn - And you're wondering where I get my ideas? A lot of people ask that.

Amanda - Really.

Carolyn - Well, it's simple. Duncan MacLeod is real. For four hundred years, the name's been popping up in legends all over the world. Scotland, Italy, Turkey...

Amanda - Turkey? Imagine that.

Carolyn - Always the same story. A warrior comes down from the Highlands, fighting battles, protecting the weak... Always Duncan MacLeod. What do you think of that?

DM - Fascinating.

Carolyn - It used to drive me crazy, and then I finally figured it out. I know the truth.

DM - The what? [to bartender] Uh, uh, excuse me just one-- [pulls Carolyn away from bar] Um, what is the truth?

Carolyn - What does man need most? [off Amanda's look] Besides that. Heroes... and if there aren't any, he creates them. "Duncan MacLeod" exists because we want him to exist! We NEED him to exist.

Amanda - So you don't actually think it's the same guy?

Carolyn - Are you nuts? He'd have to be immortal.

[DM & Amanda laugh.]

DM - That's very funny. About this book...

Carolyn - Books. A whole series of them, set in different time periods. It's a gimmick. But to really sell it, I need today's Duncan MacLeod. And that's where you come in.

DM - That's where I get out.

Carolyn - It's a gold mine!

DM - I'm not interested.

Carolyn - Look, I've seen your "doh-bro", or whatever you call it, and I've seen Dumpsters with better facilities!

Amanda - You know, that's true, I agree, but it's -- it's him.

Carolyn - Well, look, I know you need the cash, so what's the deal here?

DM - There is no deal.

Carolyn - Well, maybe I should do a little research into Duncan MacLeod.

Amanda - Oh, what, and find out he was born in the Highlands of Scotland four hundred years ago?

Carolyn - Maybe he has something to hide.

DM - What will it take for you to get off my back?

Carolyn - Come to the party my publisher is throwing. Just give it a try. If you don't like it, I'm gone. Or should I set the research drones to work?

DM - Okay. One time. One party. No publicity, no press, no pictures. That's the deal.

Carolyn - Okay. Deal. But try to come alone.

Amanda - Not in your lifetime.

[DM & Amanda leave the bar. Carolyn smiles to herself.] ³

CUT

DM - [trying to extricate himself from group of women] Uh, I'm just going to go over there for just one second. No. I'll be back in one minute. I'll be back--

Woman - [interrupts him] Will you sign my book?

DM - Oh, hi there. Um, yes, in a moment.

Woman - Please. [pouts as DM walks away] Aw.

DM - Thank you.> [finds Amanda] I hate this.

Amanda - Oh, yeah, right. Now, you agreed. And besides, I don't remember any torture chamber.

DM - What other choice did I have?

Amanda - Oh, you love being the all-Scottish action hero.

DM - Oh, don't be ridiculous. [smiles at two women admiring him as they walk past] But I guess I'll have to live with it. [clears his throat]

[Camera pans from them over to Carolyn and her publicist nearby.]

Carolyn - So, Tim, what's the body count so far?

Tim - So far, three reviewers and a 'Vanity Fair' editor had to have smelling salts. [looks over at DM & Amanda] ⁴ Carolyn, he's absolutely brilliant.

Carolyn - What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? He's a gold mine.

Tim - Oh, he's gorgeous, that's what he is. The camera's gonna love him.

[DM & Amanda walk toward them.]

Carolyn - He's coming over.

Tim - Be still, my beating heart. Oh, my!

Carolyn - Duncan, this is my publicist, Tim.

DM - [shakes Tim's hand] Hi. Nice to meet you.

Tim - Pleasure.

Amanda - Uh, Carolyn, in your research on the MacLeods, did you happen to come across any archetypal woman -- you know, goddess types?

Carolyn - [offhand] Oh, he got tangled up with someone once in, uh, Turkey. ⁵ But she was just a cheap whore and a thief. [DM chokes on his drink.] Not really worth mentioning.

(In the DVD version, the camera cuts back to Amanda before Carolyn can finish saying "Turkey".)

Amanda - Really.

[Amanda & DM sense 'buzz'.]

DM - Would you excuse us for a moment? We've just got something to discuss.

Amanda - In private.

DM - [pulls Amanda onto balcony] What now?

Amanda - Maybe it's the real Duncan MacLeod.

DM - [fakes a laugh] Funny. Very funny.

Terence - [steps into view] If it isn't the superhero himself... Duncan MacLeod.

DM - Terence Coventry. You here for me?

Terence - Don't flatter yourself. No. I'm here for her. [looks toward Carolyn ^A]

DM - If anyone had a reason to kill her, it should be me. I'm the one with my name on the cover. [wanders away]

Terence - [to Amanda] I'm the pig with a mole on my face! A hairy mole! [points to his face] Do you see a mole? [goes over to DM] Do I dress like a pig?

DM - No, but, Terence, I wouldn't worry about it. It's just a book. It'll be forgotten in... a few months.

Terence - Oh, yeah. Fine for you to talk. You're the damned hero! I, meanwhile, am a spineless coward who tries to kill unarmed women!

Amanda - You think that's bad? She called me a cheap whore and a thief. [DM gives her a look & a shrug.] I was never cheap!

DM - Terence, I don't like it either, but you can't kill a defenseless mortal.

Amanda - [scoffs] Says who?

DM - Uh, hold that a minute, would you? [hands Terence his glass] We haven't finished yet. [leaves them on the balcony]

Terence - She needs to have an accident. Break her writing arm. Have her jaw wired.

Amanda - No, I'd use poison. Maybe a big rock? What about a stake through the heart?

Terence - I do like the way you think.

[meanwhile, in hotel room]

Man - Mr. MacLeod, such a pleasure. ⁶

DM - [distracted, shakes his hand] Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Carolyn - There you are. You're not supposed to be disappearing. That's not our deal. You're on display.

DM - I don't like being on display.

Carolyn - Don't pout. It's not attractive. Your public's waiting. [tries to lead him off into the crowd]

DM - Oh, I tell you what. You've made your rounds already, haven't you? So why don't we get out of here?

Carolyn - Why, Duncan... That would be premature evacuation, n'est-ce pas? Why the rush?

DM - Uh, I'll tell you later. [leads her toward the exit]

Carolyn - Where are we going? Bali? The Highlands?

DM - Oh, anywhere you like.

Carolyn - Okay. Your place.

DM - What, now? [sees Terence pushing his way through the crowds toward them] Uh, now. Now. [to security at door] See that guy? He tried to steal my wallet. CUT

<Security - [stops Terence from following them out] Hold on, please.

Terence - Carolyn! Carolyn!

Security - Did you try to take his wallet, sir?

Terence - Do I know you?>

Carolyn - It's simple, really. Duncan MacLeod is every woman's sexual fantasy. A warrior with the heart of a poet.

DM - I'd really love to meet him.

Carolyn - But he's more than that. He's a man of ethics, principles. He's a tragic romantic figure. And if he didn't exist, we'd have to invent him.

DM - So what did you learn from this fantasy?

Carolyn - Do you really want to know?

DM - Oh, absolutely.

Carolyn - The first time Duncan MacLeod turns up, he's a chieftain's son, raised to lead a Highland Clan.

Carolyn - [voice-over] He fell in love with the daughter of a neighboring chieftain, but she was pledged in marriage to his kinsman. You know, a real Romeo and Juliet kind of thing.

[Debra kneels by stream, washing her neck with a cloth. DM stops to watch her. Debra continues with her washing.]

Ian - [as DM stops to watch Debra washing in the stream] Aye, you're a good lad. [walks away]

Debra - [looks up, sees DM] Duncan! [DM smiles at her.] ⁷ [She stands up.] [DM stands watching her.] ⁸

<Carolyn - [voice-over] Their love was so strong, so pure, it couldn't be denied. But he gave it all up for honor.> CUT

[DM moves toward Debra. Debra makes her way along the edge of the stream to Duncan. ⁹ They meet and embrace. Debra pulls back to look at him.]

Debra - You spoke to my father? What did he say?

DM - Aye. We spoke. ¹⁰

Debra - [shakes her head, ¹¹ off his expression] Oh, Duncan, no. We love each other.

DM - Aye, but ¹² he'll nay move, Debra. You're to marry my cousin Robert, and that's the end of it.

Debra - You're the chieftain's son. There has to be something you can do.

DM - Do you not think I've tried? This is a joining of the clans, the Campbells and the MacLeods.

Debra - Our clans will be joined when I marry you.

DM - You're pledged to him. [looks down at their clasped hands] ¹³ We cannot be. [He drops her hands. She starts to walk slowly away, in shock. He grabs her wrist, halting her, puts the silver bracelet onto her wrist] When you look at this, think of me.

Debra - What are you saying?

DM - I'm leaving.

Debra - Then take me with you! We'll go together, start over somewhere.

DM - [shakes his head] I'll nay dishonor you, Debra, nor shame my family.

Debra - I will marry him if I must, Duncan, but please do not leave me! I have to see you. Even if it's only across the village.

DM - You're the love of my life, Debra Campbell.

(resume previous scene)

<[DM looks down, listening to Carolyn talk.]

Carolyn - [offscreen] [voice-over^*] CUT Two strong men in love with the same woman? Of course there was a fight.> (*In the domestic cut, this line overlays the transition from DM dropping Debra's hands to Robert confronting DM.)

Robert - Damn you, Duncan! You've turned her heart against me!

DM - She cannae help her heart! ¹⁴ [steps past Robert toward Debra] No more than I can help mine.

Robert - You'll not make me a cuckold! Draw your blade!

DM - On a clansman? Let me pass.

Robert - Not before you give me satisfaction!

DM - Robert, we've been friends all our lives. I cannae fight you. ¹⁵

Robert - [hits him across the cheek] Coward! [draws his sword]

DM - If you were not kin, you'd be dead where you stand. [starts to walk away]

Ian - You'll not walk away on this! Not while I live! A challenge is made. No MacLeod could turn his back on such words.

DM - But, Father, he's kin.

Ian - And you're a chieftain's son!

DM - [looks around at gathered clan, reluctantly draws his sword] Robert, withdraw the challenge. I dinnae want your blood.

Robert - Oh, aye. But I want yours. ¹⁶ [They fight. DM jumps back as Robert swipes at him. Debra creeps along the edge of a building as the fight continues. ¹⁷ Two village women join Debra. Robert blocks DM's parry. DM blocks Roberts overhead parry, ¹⁸ then pushes Robert away. Robert cuts DM's arm.]

Man 1 - He's drawn blood.

Man 2 - He's cut.

[DM looks up from cut on his arm. Robert stands catching his breath.]

DM - You have your satisfaction. [He turns away. ¹⁹ Robert yells, charges at him. Fight begins again. DM slashes Robert across the belly. Ian & nearby villagers react. ²⁰ Fight begins again. DM slashes Robert across the belly. ²¹ DM catches Robert in his arms as he collapses.] Robert. You damn fool. Robert. Robert!

Robert - Duncan.

DM - You can't die, Robert. [Robert dies.] ²²

Carolyn - [voice-over] He killed his own cousin...

(resume previous scene)

<Carolyn - [offscreen] ...the boy he'd grown up with. After all this, it wasn't to be.> CUT

DM - [as Debra runs to edge of cliff] Debra!

[Laura Creamer - "Bonny Portmore"

Carolyn - [voice-over] The tragic part is, she died anyway. All the love in his heart couldn't save her.

[DM holds out his hand. Debra raises her own, reaching toward him. The cliff edge crumbles beneath her feet & she falls.]

DM - No! Debra! [He drops the bracelet.]

[DM gallops across the moors on horseback.]

Carolyn - [voice-over] He left his clan shortly after that... just rode away into the mist.

(resume previous scene)

Carolyn - [offscreen] They say he's wandered the world ever since.

DM - Yeah.

Carolyn - You know, they still tell that story in a little village in Scotland. Glenfinnan.

DM - On the shores of Loch Shiel, yeah.

Carolyn - How did you know?

DM - [caught out, covers] It's in your book.

Carolyn - You're right. And I thought you weren't a fan.

DM - Well--

Carolyn - Imagine the loss. Wandering the earth alone, longing for love, companionship, warmth.

DM - Yeah.

Carolyn - With no one to truly understand his soul and to share his pain. [pushes him down into a chair. He tries to stand again.] I^* would do anything for that man. [pushes him down again] I would willingly be his slave. [jumps on top of him in the chair] (*The DVD version cuts off the beginning of Carolyn's sentence here.) ²³

DM - Yeah, but--

Carolyn - I want it!

DM - No--

Carolyn - You want it!

DM - It's not--

Carolyn - Stop fighting! [kisses him forcefully]

DM - I'm not-- [muffled protests]

Amanda - [enters loft] Well, yippee-ki-yay. The rodeo's in town.

Carolyn - Didn't you ever learn how to knock?

Amanda - Oh, you'd be surprised what I learned. Would you like me to show you?

DM - Uh, Amanda, this isn't exactly what you think.

Amanda - What I'm thinking, Duncan, you don't want to know. Thirty bucks for the cabbie who brought me back from your little soiree.

DM - Oh, yeah, of course. Right here. Look, uh-- [pulls bills from his pocket. Amanda clears her throat.] I'll go and pay it right away. And don't-- Just don't.

DM - [to cabbie] Keep the change. [Cabbie leaves. DM senses 'buzz'.] Oh, not now.

Terence - [enters dojo] Where is she?

DM - Who?

Terence - Do you think I'm a fool? Carolyn Marsh, the author. Who else? [circles around DM, quoting from the book] "A sable mane..." "Muscles hard as hills..." "Eyes like..." potatoes, or whatever the hell she said. You're sleeping with her.

DM - Uh, why would I want to do that?

Terence - To make yourself look good, and to make me look a fool.

DM - I swear, I haven't been anywhere near her.

Terence - No? [quotes from book] "...as Duncan's lips crushed her to him, her hands went to his britches..."

DM - Kilt.

Terence - Bastard!

DM - [shrugs] Well, you know--

Terence - [turns,²⁴ punches DM, almost loses his balance (he's a bit drunk)] Don't get between us again. [weaves his way back out of the dojo]

DM - [enters from stairs] Damn elevator's never there when you want it. Where is she?

Amanda - She's gone.

DM - On the elevator?!

Amanda - On her broom.

DM - Oh, no! Oh! [runs back down the stairs]

DM - [catches up to Carolyn, out of breath] Oh, Carolyn, wait! I don't think you should go home tonight.

Carolyn - Oh, right. I don't think your girlfriend will understand.

DM - There's nothing to understand!

Carolyn - Oh, men. First thing you do is get yourself to that all-night florist on Water Street.

DM - [leads Carolyn back toward elevator] Uh-huh.

Carolyn - Two dozen white roses should do the trick. CUT

<DM - [senses 'buzz'] Oh, no. Not again. [thinks fast] Back door.

Carolyn - Back door? [DM pushes her through the door.] I'm an author.

Terence - Carolyn! Carolyn, where are you? [As Terence enters dojo, DM starts doing push ups against a bench to hide that he is out of breath from the stairs.] I know you're here somewhere. I heard her voice. Didn't I? [stumbles over to DM] Where is she?

DM - She's not here, Terence. [stops doing push-ups] She's not here. Look. [motions toward empty dojo] Go home.

Terence - [sits on bench next to DM] I shall not forget this. You, sir, are a skunk. A skunk. [passes out against DM's shoulder]

DM - Oh, great. [gets up, leaving Terence asleep on the bench]>
 

[Amanda is sitting in bed, reading "Blade of the MacLeods".]

Amanda - [voice-over] "Her naked flesh trembled under his touch. Slowly, slowly she lay back on the satin pillows, letting them caress her ivory skin..."

Amanda - [voice-over] "She was about to be transported beyond any world she had ever known. Her every breath anticipated what she knew must come. Her silken blonde tresses cascaded over both their bodies as he caressed her. She had been kissed by men before, but never like this."

[The DM from the teaser is in bed with a blonde Amanda, kissing her eagerly.]

Amanda - [pulls away from him, breathless] Tell me. I must know. Am I just another conquest for you?

DM - On my honor. Out of all the women I have been with, none could ever match you. If I live a thousand years, none ever could.

Amanda - Then take me. Take me now. [pulls him back down]

CUT

[George Frederic Handel - "Hallelujah Chorus"

[They roll around on the bed in a passionate embrace. Camera cuts to view above bed, Amanda kneeling over DM. View switches back as Amanda pushes DM down, stretches her hand up over her head.]

[Amanda stretches her hand up over her head, pounces on DM beneath her. More intercuts of hands grasping at flesh passionately. Amanda throws her head back, gasping. DM rolls them over, roars his release. They lie in a sated heap on the bed as the camera spins above them.]

(resume previous scene)

[Amanda's reading is interrupted by a loud snore from DM lying asleep next to her in the bed. Amanda winces, leans over him.]

Amanda - [whispers] Duncan? Duncan? [He continues to snore. She briefly pinches his nose shut. He shifts, not waking, but stops snoring. She goes back to her book.]

[Close on display of "Blade of the MacLeods" books at bookstore entrance. DM enters store.] ²⁶

Tim - [sees DM] Oh, he's here! Isn't he beautiful. [goes with Carolyn to greet him] Mr. MacLeod -- Duncan -- I'm so glad you could make it!

DM - Oh, that's okay. [to Carolyn] Could we have a word, please?

Carolyn - Not now, Duncan. We've got to get to work, and you've got to get into character. [as Tim reaches for costume] I had this flown in from Western Costume in Hollywood. [Tim holds up costume.] It's real Clan MacLeod tartan.

DM - It's very nice, but I'm not here to play "Duncan MacLeod" for you.

Carolyn - Oh, I see. Well, put it to me in two words or less.

DM - Terence... Coventry.

Carolyn - Tim, give me five. [follows DM as Tim moves off] Why bring up Terence Coventry? He's the villain in my book.

DM - And he was at your party yesterday. Drop the act, Carolyn. What's between you and Terence?

Carolyn - All right. Terence and I... We were once an item.

DM - And?

Carolyn - And now we're not.

DM - Oh. So you made him the villain in your book just to get back at him.

Carolyn - Writers do it all the time. And he deserves it.

DM - [chuckles] You expect him to walk away and do nothing?

Carolyn - I don't want to talk about this.

DM - That's a switch.

Carolyn - Look, I don't need advice from a cover model. Are you going to do this "Duncan MacLeod" thing or not?

DM - Hmm. Not.

Tim - [rejoins them, still carrying the costume] Well, who's going to wear the kilt?

DM - Mel Gibson. [leaves bookstore]

Amanda - Well, I told you she was trouble. Why go there in the first place?

DM - To try to get her to stop. She can't keep doing this to Terence. Can't keep doing this to me, either.

Amanda - What, making you a hero? That-- That's a problem?

DM - She tried to get me to wear a kilt.

Amanda - Really? I-I kind of like you in a kilt. You've got nice legs.

DM - Thank you. Very flattering, but no thank you.

Amanda - Mmm. So you're finished with all of this, then?

DM - Absolutely.

Amanda - Very nice.

Female fan - I just love all of your books.

Carolyn - [makes a lipstick kiss mark on the book she's signing] Enjoy.

Female fan - Thank you.

Carolyn - [takes next book, not looking up] Who shall I dedicate this to?

Terence - How about... "Terence, The Beastly Boor."

Carolyn - In case you haven't noticed, I'm busy.

Terence - I know. Sticking knives in my back.

Carolyn - I have a right to make a living.

Terence - Not like this. You can't do this to me. [turns to line of fans] Do you see a mole? Am I that ugly? I ask you again. Am I that ugly?

Carolyn - Here. Let me write something. [dictates as she writes] "Dear Terence, screw you." I suggest you take a hike before Duncan MacLeod gets here.

Terence - Oh. [throws her over his shoulder]

Carolyn - You put me down right now! I will scream!

Terence - Go ahead. Scream. [carries her out of the bookstore, screaming, as fans applaud & Tim fans his face]

(resume previous scene)

DM - [to waitress bringing his credit card back to their table] Thanks.

Amanda - Now, if you think Terence was that mad, why did you leave?

DM - Because she made me mad, and it was turning into a circus.

Amanda - Right. So she pisses you off, and you leave her to the wolves. Oh, hey, I would've done the same thing.

DM - Well, good. [signs credit card receipt with a flourish] Glad that's sorted out.

Amanda - But what would the real Duncan MacLeod have done?

DM - I AM the real Duncan MacLeod.

Amanda - Well, you know, I don't know what the fuss is all about, because, to tell the truth, it wouldn't really bother me if he did kill her.

DM - [voice-over] You here for me?

Terence - [voice-over] I'm here for her.

Amanda - [off DM's reaction] What?

DM - Oh, no. [groans, leaves]

Amanda - [calls after him] MacLeod! [watches him leave, ²⁷ lifts her hand in his direction, stops, notices he left his credit card behind, picks it up] I think when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. [leaves, humming]

DM - What did he look like?

Tim - Well, he was a handsome brute. He was so insistent. Threw her over his shoulder and dragged her out of here. [sobbing] Oh, it was incredibly romantic.

DM - Did you catch a name?

Tim - Sorry. Oh, wait. He left this. [picks up book, looks at dedication inside] Terence. [DM grabs book, looks at it, throws it down & storms out.] What did I say?
 

Carolyn - Terence, it's my book, and I'll put in it what I want to.

Terence - Not when you use my name, you won't. And how could you make me such a tasteless bastard?

Carolyn - I suppose I should have made you the hero.

Terence - You should never have written any of it!

Carolyn - Are you finished?

Terence - Carolyn, why are you doing this?

Carolyn - Look, Terence, let's just call it quits. I'll go my way, and you'll go yours.

Terence - And what about the book?

Carolyn - That's all you're interested in, isn't it? Wait until you see the sequel.

Terence - No. No, it's not all I'm interested in. Look, just come to the house tonight for dinner.

Carolyn - What, so your servants can hold me down and you can put a knife through my heart?

Terence - It'll just be you and me. I'll even make dinner.

Carolyn - All by yourself? And then we'll sit around for the next five hours while you tell me what a hero you've been and how many women you've had?

Terence - You talk, and I'll listen.

Carolyn - That'll be something different.

Terence - Please. Just say yes.

Carolyn - Maybe.

Amanda - [wearing a gauzy white dress, examines her reflection in a mirror] Hmm. Hmm. [Carolyn exits changing room wearing identical dress. The two freeze as they see each other, realize they are wearing the same thing.]

Carolyn - I think Duncan'll like this, don't you?

Amanda - He'll love it... on me.

Carolyn - Oh, I think you should get last year's model. I hear it's a little roomier.

Amanda - Why spend money on a dress? It'll come right off the first guy gets within fifteen feet.

Assistant - You both look absolutely fabulous! Are you sisters?

[Both glare at her.]

Amanda - [to Carolyn] Listen, honey, I'd forget MacLeod. You are way out of your league. He and I go back a long way.

Carolyn - And to think, I wasn't going to bring age into this.

Amanda - Listen, you garden variety slug, I read your little book. You think you're going to turn MacLeod into your fantasy lover, with you as the damsel in distress? [huffs] Get real. Just look at you. You're not even close. You never will be.

Carolyn - How dare you? [runs back to changing room, crying]

Amanda - [faux-innocent] What did I say? [goes back to mirror, but loses her resolve when Carolyn continues sobbing in the changing room] Hey, are -- are you okay? [opens changing room door]

Carolyn - What difference does it make? Just go away.

Amanda - You're not okay.

Carolyn - What the hell do you know?

Amanda - I know when someone's a complete wreck when I see them. Look, don't cry. It's going to be all right. [dries Carolyn's tears with hem of her dress] It's going to be all right.

Assistant - [steps back in, hesitant] That's a five thousand dollar dress.

Amanda - Put it on my card. [leads a tearful Carolyn away]

Amanda - Would you just tell me about it?^*

(Amanda's opening line overlays the end of the previous scene in both versions. The domestic version then has an extra half-step of them walking, at the beginning of this scene.) ²⁸

Carolyn - No. [sighs] There's this man.

Amanda - When isn't there? It's not MacLeod? [Carolyn shakes her head.] Are you in love with him?

Carolyn - No, I hate him.

Amanda - No, you don't. Take it from me. Just tell me what happened.

Carolyn - You were right. I'm out of my league.

Amanda - He said that to you?

Carolyn - He didn't have to. I just know.

Amanda - Rule number one with men: you never assume what they're thinking. Look, I'm sure there's thousands of guys who would just be thrilled to be book covers for Carolyn Marsh.

Carolyn - Carol Ann Marshak. From Newark, New Jersey. Carolyn Marsh is the kind of name publishers like, because it's classy and elegant. Like you.

Amanda - Come on. You had me fooled.

Carolyn - Right. Maybe if I lived a few hundred years like you, I could get it right.

Amanda - How much do you know?

Carolyn - A little. A lot.

Amanda - Oh, boy. And the books? All that stuff about the 'Blade of the MacLeods'?

Carolyn - [shrugs] Well, they're true stories. And it was a good way to get back at Terence.

Amanda - Terence? You're in love with Terence Coventry?

Carolyn - I was. We met about six years ago at a charity ball. Everyone was in costume, and he looked so good in his waistcoat. And then he started telling me these stories about some relative who'd been a wandering bard and a swordsman for hire. I told him he should write a book, and he just laughed at me. And I fell in love.

Amanda - Well, why not happily ever after, then?

Carolyn - Well, he told me about being immortal. That the stories were true, and they were about him. I mean, it was everything I'd ever dreamed of, read about, my whole life -- he'd been there. He'd been with princesses and queens. He was going to live forever. And me -- I'm just going to get old and fat. And I'll always be from Newark. It was just a matter of time.

Amanda - And so you left him first, and then you changed all the stories and came on to MacLeod.

Carolyn - I wanted to hurt him, to make him angry.

Amanda - Well, congratulations. It worked. If he doesn't kill you, he's gonna kill-- Oh, my God. MacLeod.

[DM walks up deck stairs.]

[Terence bustles around the kitchen, cooking dinner.]

[DM reaches pool deck, senses 'buzz'.]

Terence - [senses 'buzz', sees DM outside on deck] Egh. What are you doing here? [samples sauce in pot, makes face]

DM - [enters kitchen] Where is Carolyn?

Terence - On her way. [spits in sink, continues cooking] And we'd like to be alone, if you don't mind. [pours salt into spoon over pot]

DM - You don't think I'm going to leave her here with you, do you?

Terence - [still pouring salt, looks over at DM] Always the hero. Sounds like you're starting to believe your own publicity. What are you planning to do? Be the lady's champion on a white charger?

DM - If I have to.

<Terence - [dumps overflowing spoonful of salt into pot, scoffs] Not again. Not now. CUT

DM - [examining overcooked turkey] You're not a very good cook, are you?

Terence - How dare you, sir! [waves wooden spoon at DM] En garde!

DM - Are you nuts? [fends him off with a turkey leg]

Terence - No, I'm not nuts. I should've finished you off back then.

DM - Back when?

Terence - Back then.

DM - You couldn't even finish off a meal. [throws turkey leg at him]

Terence - [ducks turkey leg] Hah! Missed!

DM - [has pulled out his sword white Terence was distracted, chops the wooden spoon in half] Ya! Ha-hah! No, I didn't.

Terence - All right. [takes off his apron]

DM - [takes off his coat] Oh, so you want to get serious, huh?

[They toss the coat and apron aside & Terence grabs his sword from umbrella stand. Actual swordfight commences. There's a brief moment involving candles, then they sense a 'buzz'.> DM tries to hide his sword behind his back as Carolyn opens the front door.]

DM - Oh, Carolyn, hi. We were just, uh--

Carolyn - Fighting over me? How romantic.

DM - Uh, no!

Terence - Yes!

DM - Yes?

Terence - [attacks again] You won't have her!

DM - [defends himself] I don't want her!

Terence - Then why are you here?

DM - I'm trying to keep her away from you!

Terence - What kind of hero are you, coming between a man and his wife?

DM - [bows to Amanda & Carolyn] Ladies. [registers what Terence just said] She's your wife?

Terence - Like you didn't know.

DM - I didn't.

Amanda - He didn't.

Terence - You didn't?

Carolyn - He didn't.

DM - I wouldn't. There is nothing between me and Carolyn!

Carolyn - That's true.

Terence - Then why did you leave me?

Amanda - Because she loves you, you big dope!

Terence & DM - [stop fighting] What?! [Both turn to look at Amanda, who nods her head.]

DM - [to Carolyn] Is she serious? [Carolyn nods.] I give up.

Amanda - What's there to understand? [to Terence] I mean, what did you think was going to happen, Terence? All those stories about Terence Coventry, world's greatest hero, world's greatest lover. I mean, you swept her off her feet.

Terence - Well, of course I did. I did? [Carolyn nods.] Then what did I do wrong?

Amanda - You were too good to be true. What woman wants to compete with Helen of Troy?

Terence - But she can! [hands DM his sword, goes to Carolyn] You can. Those stories I told -- I told them to you because I trust you. Because I wanted you to know me. Those people, those places, they were my life. But you -- you, Carolyn, you are my life.

Carolyn - Oh, Terence. [They kiss.] CUT

<Amanda - Isn't it romantic?

DM - Let's get out of here before this gets embarrassing.

Amanda - [sighs] Why can't you be more like that?

DM - [as Terence lowers Carolyn to the floor, still kissing] Because I'd get arrested. That's a nice dress. Where'd you get that?

Amanda - Um, I, uh, charged it.

DM - On what? Your library card?

Amanda - [runs out the front door] Think of it as a birthday present.

DM - Hey, come back here! Amanda! [follows her out]>

[Laura Creamer - "Bonny Portmore" - instrumental with wordless vocalizing plays in background.]

Amanda - I'm such a sucker for romantic stories.

DM - I couldn't tell.

Amanda - So, do you think they'll live happily ever after?

<DM - As a matter of fact, yes. [hugs her] CUT

Amanda - [laughs] Oh. You're vain. And you are, and will always be, a big Boy Scout.>

DM - That's why you love me. [They kiss.]

Amanda - Do we love each other?

DM - In our own way.

Amanda - And what way is that?

DM - Amanda, you know this conversation never turns out well.

Amanda - No, wait. What never turns out well?

DM - When we try to dissect what we are.

Amanda - You sound just like a man.

DM - I am a man.

Amanda - Oh, that's beside the point.

DM - Amanda, what we have is incredibly special. It's just not mortal love.

Amanda - So?

DM - So I want you to be honest with me. Can you do that? Hmm?

Amanda - [nods] Tell me. Talk!

DM - How many years could you see us -- no, decades, or centuries -- can you see us spending together? I'm not talking about every now and then. I'm talking about every day, every hour.

Amanda - What, you mean until one of us kills the other?

DM - Exactly my point.

Amanda - [sighs] It's just not fair. I mean, all a girl wants is a little romance. To be swept off her feet every now and then. [DM comes up behind her, sweeps her off her feet into his arms, spins her around.] Oh, now that's more like it. [laughs as he keeps spinning] Stop. [He sets her back on her feet.]

DM - I do love you, Amanda. [They kiss.]
 

Amanda - [in bed, reading aloud from the book] "His hands caressed the nape of her neck. Hands that had killed, hands that could wield the mightiest sword, yet now they were at her service. Gentle, strong, sensitive..." [As she reads, DM's hand follows the path she's describing.] "...tracing the delicate line of her hair, down her throat, gently slipping her gown from one creamy shoulder. Her breath quickened as his mouth approached the newly-bared flesh."

DM - [kisses her shoulder] Put the book down.

Amanda - But it's just getting good.

DM - We can do better.

Amanda - Mmm? [tosses book aside, focuses on DM] Mmmmm. You're right.